Paradox
by Tex110
Summary: Edmund finds out about Aslan's sacrifice for him.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **I'm back again. This fic takes place one year after the Pevensies' coronation. Started by a plot-bunny so I hope it's not too abstract. It may be a bit odd. I was listening to Passion by Kutless at the time and the words inspired me. ;)

This will be a twoshot, as it turned out to be quite longer than I'd originally expected.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

_Within my mind's eye_

_Flickering from the past_

_Come images that terrify and calm_

_A paradox in me_

_Nail pierced hands they run with blood_

_A splitting brow forced by the thorns_

_His face is writhing with the pain yet it's comforting to me_

Passion, Kutless

**Paradox**

"Ed, are you sure you're alright?" Susan asked quickly as Edmund abruptly pushed his chair away from the dinner table and got up.

She shot an anxious glance at Lucy and Peter. Edmund had just, by accident, found out about Aslan's sacrifice for him. Lucy looked blatantly ill, her large sea-green eyes shone brightly in unvoiced concern for her brother.

"I'm fine, Susan, don't worry about me." Edmund was already halfway out of the main hall as he threw the reply over his shoulder.

"Edmund!" Peter called sharply, getting up from the table as well.

Edmund halted in the archway, a hand on the white marble. He heard Peter's quick footsteps approach him but he kept his back to him, eyes focused on a nonexistent spot on the wall.

"Edmund don't do this, please," Peter's voice was thick with concern. "I know what you're doing."

Edmund shook his head, "I don't think you do."

"I know you," Peter insisted. "I know exactly how you're reacting right now. Stay here."

Edmund hesitated and then turned to face his brother. It was all too much to bear at the moment. Over the course of the year, with much wisdom from Lucy, he had finally been able to release the guilt of his betrayal. But to find out the consequences of his actions had caused someone to die only made it come back a tenfold worse.

Peter was looking down at him imploringly, fear and worry expelling from his familiar blue eyes.

"I can't stay here, Peter." Edmund looked away from him. "I know it seems selfish. And it is. I've always been a selfish person, and you know it. But it won't help me to stay here. I don't think you, Susan, or Lucy should be around me right now." he turned pleading eyes on his brother, "Let me go, Peter. Please understand."

Peter gazed at him sympathetically and nodded. "Alright."

Tears sprang involuntarily to Edmund's eyes at Peter's quick acceptance. He turned away from him, furious with himself for showing such emotion. He felt a heavy weight land on his shoulder. It gave him a warm squeeze and then it was gone. As was Peter.

With an effort, Edmund blinked back the tears and strode quickly from the hall. He didn't know where he was going, so he let his legs take him where they willed. After much aimless ambling and dead ends, he ended up on the lower level. The soft moonlight drew him towards the outdoors and he headed for one of the exits. He stepped out onto a large, porch-like slab of marble and gratefully hurried down the long flight of steps that lead down to the beach. He glanced over his shoulder quickly. He knew his siblings would be watching him go. They would come after him if they thought he seemed too uptight, so he forced his pace to be normal and relaxed his shoulders.

The sand beneath his feet was cool and fine and the sea gave him a soothing white noise to focus on. As moments passed, Edmund glanced over his shoulder once again. The castle was still very close, glimmering in it's majesty. The sight made him turn back to the beach abruptly. It reminded him why he was out here.

Abandoning the concern about being followed, Edmund broke into a run. It was hard to run in the sand and it took all of Edmund's energy to move through it. He pushed himself to continue on, trying to keep himself from thinking. But running only made it worse. Images flashed into his mind, horrible and terrifying. Edmund shook his head desperately, tears blinding him and rapidly progressing to tumble in little rivers down his face.

Then he stumbled. He felt like he was in slow motion as the ground rushed up at him, he was so confused and blank at the moment that he didn't throw out his hands to catch himself. Then his body hit the sand. He made no move to get up. His knee was bleeding from a gash where it had hit a rock as he fell, but he couldn't feel it. His tears had gone from silent cries to heavy sobs in the space of a second, and they shook his body harshly as he lay there.

Between the sand and his own hands it was hard to breath, but he didn't turn over. He didn't want to see the sky. It would only show him the Leopard and make it harder to bear. Harder to bear the consequences of his betrayal.

Aslan had died because of him. The Great Lion had endured pain, torture, malice, and scorn all in his place.

Edmund choked and squeezed his eyes shut. How could his siblings have kept this from his for an entire year? He clenched his hands tightly, the sand in them scraping his palms raw. It had been stupid of him to assume the Witch would just let him go with no payment. The payment had been Aslan's blood instead of his own.

He had always wondered about it. He'd known Aslan had died the night it happened. He'd always wondered why the Lion had allowed himself to be killed. But to know that he'd died for him, Edmund, made it an entirely different matter.

The stone table flashed into his mind's eye. Aslan lying prone on it's grey surface, stained with crimson. A cruel black knife glittered in his side.

Edmund shook his head violently, as if to banish the image with the motion. But it remained. Clear and vivid. And though he knew Aslan was very much alive now, Edmund couldn't get it past the fact that his prideful, spiteful wishes and actions had ushered the Lion to his temporary deathbed. Yet at the same time a sense of peace and comfort came to him along with the guilt.

At that thought, he felt like a disgusting creature. Lower than a worm. How was it that he could be comforted with the knowledge of the death of another?

The image changed. Aslan's gentle, sad eyes gazed at him in pride and love. Edmund opened his eyes desperately with a gasp in an effort to evade them, but it was no use. Though he couldn't see them, he could feel them. It was a feeling not unlike the one he got whenever Peter looked at him. He could sense the pride and love, as well as the fierce protectiveness they felt towards him. He squeezed his eyes shut again.

"No!" he screamed, punching the sand. "No, no, no, no! I don't deserve it! Stop it!"

Edmund sobbed, his body instinctively curling into a ball. His lungs felt fit to explode as he gasped in rough air between harsh sobs. Sand pressed into his face, leaving deep indents. But he could have cared less.

He felt utterly wretched now, and bereft of any purpose. Narnia really didn't need him when Peter, Susan, and Lucy were there. Edmund pressed sandy fists against his eyes. Narnians didn't need a traitor and a liar. And they most certainly didn't need a person who had the potential to kill Aslan again, did he ever do something as foolish as he had before.

Edmund gradually became aware of what he was doing. He hadn't cried in ages, why now? It seemed incredibly childish all of a sudden. Promptly, the tears halted, but the irregular breaths did not. Edmund focused and breathed slowly and shallowly. He flipped onto his back and stared at the sky. He couldn't see the stars now, though he knew they were there. He could only see the darkness beyond. A vast black expanse of nothingness. A single thought swirled through the misty veil of his mind.

_I am a foolish wretch._

And with that conviction, he lay there. He lay there for what seemed like eternity, or perhaps it was only the space of several minutes.

Before long he heard his name being called in the distance. Recognition struck him immediately. Peter. Edmund tried to reply and yet he found that he could not. He was rooted to the brink of a chasm, deep and dark. And he could not utter a sound. It was as if he were lost in a dream from which he could not wake.

He wanted to turn from the edge of the black abyss. He wanted to run to the warm voice that called, so filled with worry. He wanted to be gathered into the embrace he had so often pushed away. Hear the comforting words the gentle voice of his brother often murmured to encourage him.

But he could not turn. His shallow breaths made him faint, but he did not try to draw in more oxygen. The black sky swallowed him up and the sound of his name faded away.

The darkness seemed so enticing now. He felt lighter than air, and he couldn't move. But he wasn't afraid. Calling in reply to Peter would only return him to the world he had to fight with to gain happiness. If he remained here he could forget about it. About everything.

Edmund felt he was soaring over an endless sea of nothingness. His conscious mind grew hazy and began to fade, but it didn't hurt. Instead he felt deliciously warm and happy.

Edmund's thoughts fluttered away from him, aloft on silver feathered wings. And he succumbed to the surrounding darkness.

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Note: Well that's part one. Let me know what you think so I'll know whether or not to post the next half! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Wow, I'm speechless at how well this was reviewed. Thanks everyone! ;)

Here is the second chapter. Slightly longer, I believe. Let me know what you think of it!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Paradox: Chapter 2**

_Edmund's thoughts fluttered away from him, aloft on silver feathered wings. And he succumbed to the surrounding darkness._

But not for long.

"EDMUND!"

A series of light slaps to his face brought the world shimmering back around him. The first thing Edmund saw was Peter, blue eyes clouded with anxiety and a burning anger conceived through fear.

"Breathe, Edmund, you bloody mule!" Peter growled through gritted teeth, rubbing his brother's chest feverishly. "Breathe!"

And Edmund gasped, a rush of air filling his lungs. He coughed and spluttered, noting the pleasant scent of the ocean and the sand mixed with the faint, almost powdery, smell he associated with Peter.

"P-Peter..." he said hoarsely.

"Edmund!" Peter gasped, pulling him into a fierce embrace. "By the Lion, Edmund."

Edmund felt as if a punch had driven the air from his lungs as he was slammed into Peter's chest, but this time he drew in another breath. A full breath.

Peter began to stroke Edmund's hair over and over again whilst beginning to rock him back and forth as he would a small child during a thunderstorm.

"What in all of Narnia were you doing?" asked Peter urgently, incredulity lacing his anxious voice as he pulled away to look down at his brother.

"I don't really know." answered Edmund truthfully.

"By Aslan, Ed, you should have stayed at the castle." said Peter, sounding choked, "Do you know what could have happened if I hadn't come looking for you?"

Edmund shrugged halfheartedly. They both knew what would have happened.

Peter shook his head and pulled him close again, "This is the third time I've almost lost you, Edmund. The third time!"

"I'm lucky, I suppose," Edmund remarked, fatigue faintly slurring his voice. "Usually third time is a charm."

Peter's obsessive stroking of his hair became fractionally more frantic.

"When are you going to learn to do as you're told?" he whispered helplessly.

Edmund shrugged again. "Probably never."

Peter didn't reply to this. Instead he hugged Edmund to him tightly, murmuring incoherent phrases into the crook of his brother's neck, his voice slightly higher pitched from worry. Edmund felt a tear from Peter trickle onto his jaw.

And suddenly Peter pulled away again, a ferocious glare on his face. The trail of a single tear on his right cheek.

"Don't you ever do that again!" he ordered firmly. "Don't even bloody think about it, or I swear, I'll kill you first."

Edmund gaped at him in soundless astonishment. For one, Peter never swore. Ever. Edmund eyed his brother suspiciously. Secondly, it wasn't like Peter to use threats, especially death threats. It wasn't his way.

Edmund wondered if Peter had adopted any of the traits he'd religiously been trying to abandon. Probably not. Perhaps this was just how he reacted under severe stress. Or maybe it was just Edmund.

He was still floundering about for something to reply to that when Peter shifted him against his chest and stood.

"I can walk, Peter." Edmund protested, at last finding his voice in the depths of his being.

Peter merely growled deep in his throat and resolutely began to walk back towards the castle. Edmund decided that, since Peter was even more stubborn than he himself was (indeed if that were possible), he was not going to be let down anytime soon. So he wrapped his arms around his brother's neck and rested his head against his shoulder.

The two were silent for a while then. The only sounds were the gentle rush of the ocean lapping at the beach and the sand shifting under Peter's feet.

Edmund's night run had taken him quite a ways from Cair Paravel. The magnificent castle looked like a large model from where they were.

Presently, Peter spoke up again.

"I'm sorry you had to find out." he said, his voice soft.

Edmund stiffened slightly, "I would have found out sometime."

"Are you alright now?"

Edmund considered for a moment. Was he alright?

"I suppose so."

Peter 'hmphed' and said bluntly, "I want a straight 'yes' or 'no', Ed. And I trust you to be truthful."

There was a long pause.

"No." Edmund sighed finally.

Peter's arms tightened around him but he didn't say anything. Edmund's dark eyes roved up to settle on his brother's face. Part of him wanted to tell Peter what he felt, but he wasn't sure he could explain it. Then again, Peter could understand him as well as he could a children's book.

Did he really want to open himself up? Did he want to reveal how terribly vulnerable he was? But he had already begun to speak before the thought had time to complete itself.

"I feel horrible," he said, closing his eyes. "my idiocy started the war. Everything leading up to and including Aslan's death is my fault. I can see him, Peter. Lying there on the stone table all cold and stiff." Edmund shuddered and his eyes snapped open.

He continued in a softer voice. "It's disgusting. I despise myself for it. And at the same time I feel safe. Comforted. I feel like a beast because it's comforting to me that Aslan willingly died in my place. Does that make me some revolting creature?"

Edmund looked up at his brother anxiously for a reply. Peter looked surprised at his openness. Edmund had never talked so freely about his emotions. Never. It was typical for him to bottle everything up inside until it burst out in a torrent of mixed emotions. Then he would inflict the results of it on everybody around him.

This was entirely new.

"It does not make you disgusting, Edmund." said Peter with quiet firmness.

He stepped up onto the gleaming marble stairs that lead into the castle.

"I'm comforted just knowing he died in your place, if that helps any. Susan is right, he knew what he was doing. You would not have come back if the Witch had killed you. He did."

Edmund pondered Peter's words with a furrowed brow as he was carried down Cair Paravel's long hallways. They were vast and open, yet they were lit by a warm glow from several wall mounted candles.

He continued to be lost in this sea of thoughts as Peter laid him on his bed and tucked the sheets in around him. But he was pulled away from them as he was spoken to.

"Now you're staying in bed for the rest of the night." said Peter, a hint of threat in his voice.

Edmund smiled tiredly up at him, "I can do that."

Peter raised his eyebrows, "Doing as we're told now, are we?"

Edmund lifted his shoulders, "Don't get your hopes up."

Peter smiled and sat at the end of the bed, resting his back against one of the four thick posts.

"Then I'll stay here to make sure that you do."

"No, Peter...you should go to..." Edmund's words halted as a yawn overtook them. "...go to bed."

Peter cast his brother a stern look, but it held no power over Edmund. Behind the firmness there was just a concerned older brother. And that was all Edmund could see.

"At least look more comfortable than that," Edmund sighed tiredly, nevertheless managing to throw Peter a slightly exasperated look. "I'll never be able to sleep with your tense bundle of bones sitting down there like a hawk."

"Bundle of bones?" Peter echoed in mild disbelief. "My dear sibling, if I am a bundle of bones then you are nothing but a handful of twigs."

Edmund spluttered.

"But if it helps you sleep, I'll rearrange myself."

Peter moved to the other side of the enormous bed and tossed himself down beside Edmund, lacing his fingers together and cradling the back of his head.

"Better?" he asked, turning brilliant blue eyes on his younger brother.

"Quite." replied Edmund with a nod. "Thanks."

He started to close his eyes, but they popped wide open on sudden recall.

"Peter?"

"Yes?"

"You need me to rule with you?" Edmund craned his neck around and eyed his brother expectantly.

Peter frowned at him, "Of course I do, Ed. We all need you. That's why there are four thrones and not three."

"But would you miss anything if I didn't?"

Peter sighed, "Yes, Edmund. We would miss a lot if you weren't here."

Edmund delicately cocked an eyebrow, so Peter elaborated.

"We each have different qualities that smooth and even out the gaps in our leadership." he explained, "If one of us were to leave, for any reason, our rule would weaken, waver, and eventually fall."

Peter propped himself up on his elbow and took a long hard look at Edmund. Edmund held the gaze calmly, waiting.

"We need you." said Peter finally. "Don't ever think any differently because it won't be true."

Edmund nodded and lay back down again, satisfied with that answer. "Thank you, Peter."

"Anytime, little brother," Peter said gently, reaching over to touch Edmund's eyelids to make them close. "Anytime."

"Goodnight, Peter."

The mattress shifted and he felt a gentle hand brush over his cheek and forehead.

"Goodnight Edmund."

Edmund smiled.


End file.
